My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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