I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
