Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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