I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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