I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
