I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
