You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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