i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
