Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
