He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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