someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need to align my fucking chakras
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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