saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
