Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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