I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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