i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
