i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
