last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
