i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
