I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
