i permit you to call me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
