ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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