I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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