He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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