Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
