I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
