Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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