Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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