I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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