I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
