Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
