My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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