I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
