and she was petting her beer can
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
