The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
