Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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