You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
