You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
