dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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