I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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