Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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