So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
