Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I bet he comes in French.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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