Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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