My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
