Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
