just come out here and I will go home with you...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
