Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
