Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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