I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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