So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Say something about gay babies.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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