Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
