My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
