omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
