Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
