i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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