My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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