You just made me feel so damn special
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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