I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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