i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
