I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My bed smells like the plague
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
