Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
