after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
