I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's Friday. Sex?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Come share oat with me in your robe
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
