i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
