I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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